i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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