So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
