I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
