Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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