my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
