when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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