totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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