my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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