Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
