i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How naked do you want me to be?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
