A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The ass gains better be worth it
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