We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
This house was built for laser tag.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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