Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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