im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
