Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
