you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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