I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
