He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
