My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
