He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
