Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
