I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
