I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
