I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
