New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
