I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm