thus making me awesome and them whores
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me