I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
