saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society