apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
