Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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