Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
there's paper in my vomit.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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