Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
