you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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