Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(540): View more from Virginia

Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen

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(352): View more from Florida

i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Pass out mid-funnel last night.

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(407): View more from Florida

Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.

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