i need an iv and a liver transplant
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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