2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
