The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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