Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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