how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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