i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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