i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
