come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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