My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
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Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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