Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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