He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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