I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?