you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.