Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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