Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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