Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
