just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
