:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
