I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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