i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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