my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
