Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
