bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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