Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
