Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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