I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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